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The Way It Really Is
Entry Two: 23 June 1985. Rating: Mostly
I think my dad was in a bad mood today. I
mean, he came home from work and I'm sitting on the floor in
the TV room sorting my paper doll clothes. He's mad and yells
out "who left the garage door open?" My mom says "Anne
must have when she came home from bike riding". (Thanks
mom! NOT!!) So then he's like yelling my name.
I came in right away because not coming in
right away makes him come get me which is totally not good.
"Did you leave the garage door up??"
he said. I was like "I don't know." Because I didn't.
Then he was all, "Why don't you know??
Haven't I told you to pull it down?" I nod. Because he
has. But I don't remember if I did or not. And I'm not supposed
to lie. I would have put it down if I remembered. And I told
him that too.
Which was not fresh. I really was sorry.
But this wasn't enough. And he starts yelling
about me not doing what I'm told and asks me again if I left
the door up. And by now I'm totally mad because I was just sitting
in the TV room and playing and now I'm being yelled at. So I
said, "I didn't mean to leave it open but I don't remember
if I closed it. Sorry."
Okay, that doesn't sound bad to me. But my
dad said I was using THAT TONE WITH HIM and not to. So I was
just quiet. I don't even know what THAT TONE sounds like. I
hate not being able to talk and started crying a little. Which
I think is what he wanted and told me to go get him the paddle
from the kitchen pantry.
This is just so unfair. I'm not supposed to
get spanked for anything but lying and stuff like that. So I
go get it and and now I'm really crying and try and tell him
that he said I was spanked for stuff like lying, not for like
forgetting to do stuff. And he's still mad and tells me not
to talk back and that if I can't remember stuff like closing
the garage door then he's only going to tell me once from now
on. And that not following directions was disobeying him.
But it isn't really disobeying if you mean
to do it and forget. That's what I think anyway.
The worst part about being spanked other than
the spanking is taking your shorts down knowing that you're
going to be spanked. My hands don't work right and I'm all scared
and crying and need to wipe my nose.
Sometimes taking down my shorts or jeans is
enough. But not today. Today he said, "Those too",
which means my underpants also. I'm not exactly embarrassed
though kinda but it just feels weird like I should be in the
bathroom but instead he's got me over his knees and starts the
spanking. I'm mad so I clench my teeth until they're about to
break trying not to yell.
I always wish I could be brave and show him
he can't really hurt me. Prove I can do what I want.
Today I imagined I was an Indian princess
being tortured and tried to show a lot of pride by not yelling
or crying. This is easier to do in my head and so I'd only counted
26 when I couldn't stop myself from sniffing and asking him
to stop. But I shouldn't have because he didn't. And my mom
just stood there even though she must have known this wasn't
fair. I think she likes him to hit me. I hate them both.
When he finished he told me to pick up my
junk and go to bed. I pulled everything up, kissed them good
night, grabbed all my dolls and went to my room even though
it was only 6:30. That's too early for bed but I didn't care
because I didn't want to be with them anyway. From under my
covers I listened to the TV and made up what was on. I bet mine
He came up later and stared at me for a while.
I pretended to be asleep but I could feel him watching.
When I have a kid I'm never going to spank
or yell at her because I'm in a bad mood. And when they ask
me why I never take them to see their grandparents I'll tell
them how mean they were.
Maybe they'll even get to read this for proof.
to The Way It Really Is
to the treehouse